Front porch living

Today, I passed a house that had two wooden rocking chairs on the front porch.  Immediately, my mind went to my grandparents’ house.  Every time we visited and rounded that last corner before their house, I would see them sitting on their front porch.  They would see us, and wave. 

Do people still sit on their front porches anymore?  Or have we all moved to the back porch, surrounded by our fences and shrubs, content to just be alone? 

Isn’t this a picture of how we live our lives?  If we keep our true self on the “back porch” where no one will hurt us, no one will judge us then no one will really know us either.  We can create our “utopia” on the “back porch”.  We can imagine that everything is roses and sunshine, that life is exactly what we want it to be.  But is it?  Do the rose bushes in the back yard need trimming?  The leaves need raked?  It’s okay because no one sees it.  What if we moved to the “front porch”?   It’s scary to put ourselves on the “front porch”, to be open, honest, vulnerable.  To let others see our flaws, our scars, our “weeds.  What if people don’t like me?  What if they don’t respect me anymore?  What if they think I’m just a tad weird?  It’s funny to me that these questions so easily pop into my mind when I think about living life on the “front porch”.  Will people see Christ in me?  Will they understand that my imperfections are covered lavishly by His grace?  Will they, through my honesty, realize that they are not alone in their struggles?  Shouldn’t these questions be more motivating to me as I consider living life on the “front porch”? 

So, today, two simple rocking chairs stopped me in my tracks.  Am I living on the “back porch”?  Am I willing to move to the “front porch”? Maybe, just maybe, I’ll venture out onto the front porch and sit a spell………

A broken plate

I’ve been thinking about this picture for days.  Thinking about the damage that words can do. 

This plate can be glued back together.  True.  It can even be used again.  But, will it ever again be all of what it was created to be? No.  It will forever be damaged.  Keep throwing it down, and gluing it back together.  Eventually, it will be useless. Pieces will be missing.  The scars will be too many.

Isn’t that what happens with our emotions?  We can take the “hits”.  We can be glued back together.  BUT the damage will remain.  We won’t be everything we were created to be.  We will be damaged.  We will be numb.  Maybe we can look fine on the outside – the cracks barely visible, but on the inside we will be shattered.  Maybe even eventually, emotionally, we will be useless – feeling nothing.  But, you say, God heals, He binds us up, He loves . . . YES (PRAISE GOD), but look at the plate again.  It can be healed, bound up, loved even, but the scars remain. 

Have you ever felt like this plate?  Have you ever caused someone else to look like this plate?

I dare say we have all been the plate, and all been the destroyer of the plate.

Proverbs 16:23 “The heart of the wise makes his speech judicious…”  God, take control of my tongue.  Use it for goodness and kindness.  Help me build people up.  And God, when I have been broken by the words of others, help me forgive.  Bind me up, God.  Heal my broken spirit.  Help me to continue to be useful in your service.

Life

Snap, snap, plop….snap, snap, plop…..
 
Tonight, as I was snapping beans from our little tiny garden, my mind flew back to the many times I sat with my Gramma in the back yard on a hot summer day.  We sat side by side in the old black metal chairs.  The big, black kettle was over the fire waiting to seal the cans of the many harvested vegetables.  Sometimes, we would talk.  Mostly, we just snapped.  I remember the sounds and smells.  I remember the feelings….

                “When will we be done.”

                “It’s so hot out here.”
                “I hate these bugs.”

You see, I was, in my youth and immaturity, raring to go, to see new things, to experience the world, to make a better grade, to meet a new boy, to play a new song, to make my mark on the world….anything but sitting and snap, snap, snapping. 

Funny how life works…right now, at this very moment, I would give anything to go back and sit with my Gramma and snap beans.  I wonder why I was so self-absorbed then?  What was so important to me that I couldn’t just enjoy the moment, be thankful?  What flaw in my character made me miss what was truly important?  As I ponder these questions, I realize that maybe life is just like that.  We realize, sometimes too late, what is important.  That A+ in algebra really doesn’t matter now.  That next big adventure didn’t really keep me satisfied for long.  That mark I was going to leave on the world never really came to be. . . . and it’s okay.  Truly, it’s okay.  I’m guessing my Gramma had these feelings too.  I would love to teach my kids now not to be the way I was, but maybe that is the point….we all have to learn these things for ourselves. 

So, yes, I will have my kids pick beans and snap them.  I will also make them eat them! J  But, I will try to be patient when they say, “Can we be done?  We want to play.”  I will smile and realize that they will learn to appreciate the small things in good time.  It’s the way of life.

Grandpa, Gramma, me (in the stripes), cousin Stephanie (in red), baby sister Jennifer . . . and Gramma's yummy potato salad! :)
 

Mother's Day

Mother’s Day is always a difficult day for me.  Doesn’t make any sense does it?  I have two beautiful children who are truly gifts from God!  But each Mother’s Day (and the days leading up to the day), I get a pit in my stomach. 

I cry.

I mourn.

I weep.

 I rejoice.

I feel inferior. 

I question.

I promise myself I’ll be a better mom. 

 I, literally, am all over the map emotionally! 

My poor hubby! J

Then, God gently reminds me that HE’s got this!  He works everything to HIS glory. 

 

He loves.

He provides.

He understands my weaknesses. 

He sorrows with me.

He forgives.

He convicts. 

HE BLESSES! 

 

Then, I cry, weep and rejoice some more because I focus on what is truly important about this man made holiday.  God and His glory, His plan being carried out in my life.  Thank you, God, for every aspect of my motherhood! 

Some days . . . .

Some days I feel more southern than others.

Some days I just want a big ole glass of iced tea and some Ritz crackers.

Some days I just want to have someone drop by and sit a spell.

Some days I want to carry on a whole conversation with the person in the next stall.

Some days I want to ride the tractor with my grandpa.

Some days I want to smile at someone and receive a smile back.

Some days I want to walk into a room of friends and be greeted with a “Hey!  How are you?”

Some days I want to just let my hair down and be myself without “offending” anyone.

Some days I don’t want to have any expectations placed upon me.

Some days I want to tell other people just how rude they are and how they need a good lesson in Southern manners.

Some days I just want to live in the South again . . . .today was one of those days!

Family

The family’s visit is coming to an end . . . boo hoo . . . boo hoo . . . boo hoo.  I love my family so much.  This is why . . . .

 

We laugh until we can’t breathe.

 We make fun of the funny way Nana says things.

 I get my southern accent back – ya’ll.

 The cousins play and play and play and fight and make up and giggle.

 The cousins sing all their favorite “God” songs together (LOVE THIS!!!!).

 With my family, I’m not “The Pastor’s Wife”.  I’m just a wife, mom, baby girl, big sister, crazy aunt, and pesky sister-in-law. 

Even though we disagree on “stuff”, we talk animatedly about it and then move on.

We love each other fiercely in spite of our faults and quirks.

We belong.

Friendship

Why are friendships so hard?  Why do we judge and compare?  I was doing some reading today about friendship and several things struck me.

 

1.      We are not guaranteed or entitled to heart friends. They are gifts of grace from God.  We don’t deserve them. When we catch glimpses of this sisterly grace, we must receive it with deep gratitude. (I thought for many years that I deserved friends.  God has changed my thinking.)

 

2.      Friendship does not come easily. We tend to believe the myth that friendship should be easy or require little effort. It is neither.  It takes effort -HUGE effort.  (This means I have to invest, love, TRUST, communicate, be open . . . all of which are HARD.  It is easy to call someone a friend, but hard to actually be a friend.)

 

3.     We put parameters on our friendships - they have to go to my church, they have to have the same-age kids, I have to like their husband, they can't be in a different life stage, they have to be on the same page spiritually, they have to have the same interests.   All of these parameters limit the gift of grace we might receive.   (I’ve had people tell me these things. . . you like to shop, I don’t . . . you like TV, I don’t . . .you like . . . .you get the idea.  But I also like talking . . . really talking . . .sharing our hearts, praying, encouraging.  I’ve been “blown off” because I wasn’t like someone else.)

4.     I CANNOT be friends with everybody.  What?  Is that right?  God says I must be friendly, but it is impossible to be true friends with everyone.  I have been told that because my husband is a pastor, I should be friends with everyone.  I can’t.  Period.  And, quite frankly, no one can.  I should be friendly to everyone (as should EVERY Christian).  I should show love and compassion to everyone (as should EVERY Christian).  These things I MUST do.  Period.

 

5.      There are times in my life that I will not have a heart friend.  God knows.  When it comes down to it, God is ALL I need.  I’ve learned this through times of trial . . . infertility, adoptions, ministry issues, financial struggles, etc. 

 

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

 I’m grateful for the friends God has graced me with through the years!  I pray I always remember that they are a gift of grace and each so very special!